I remember feeling like my stomach was in knots as I tried to focus on tying my spikes. I was on the far outskirts of the warm-up area inside the Texas A&M indoor facility, the place they seemed to throw all the individuals, those of us who didn't come with a team.
My coach was off watching the Oregon sprinters practicing their block starts. All around me were familiar faces from the front pages of flotrack and Runnerspace going about their own warm-ups and race prep. I had just finished up my final hard stride before heading to the clerking area fretting over the pain in my shin that had developed over the last week leading up the meet, a meet that I should have been excited for, but just wasn't.
By the time I'd made it to the staging area, all I could think about was the people around me. People who I'd looked up to, people who were in the headlines, people who were now my competition. Instead of being excited to have made it to my first NCAA championship meet, I was filled with an overwhelming feeling that it was not meant to be. I was not qualified to be here with these people.
Needless to say, the race did not go well.
Two weeks after the 2017 Indoor championships I was formally diagnosed with a stress fracture in my tibia. It would eventually heal up and catapult me into a senior season that landed me a spot at the 2018 NCAA Outdoor finals. While the physical barriers left, that feeling of not belonging, that remained.
It's been two years to the day now since my last NCAA race, but that feeling it comes back every now and again. When it first happened in 2017 I chalked it up to nerves- my first big race combined with the doubt instilled by my would-be stress fracture and oh ya pressure. The pressure I put on myself leading up to the race after going on a roller coaster of emotions at even making it into the meet based on time qualification.
Now I can put words to it: imposter syndrome
It happens at all levels of the sport, both on and off the track. What I was feeling was not just nerves and it would return again during injury as well as my first race as a professional. It's a tricky form of self-doubt often experienced by those of us who are type A, high achievers, perfectionists, etc. Characterized by that internal dialogue of "I am not enough, I am a fraud", an inability to take ownership of their accomplishments and societal pressures. Athletes are especially vulnerable to this as they are always opening themselves up for comparison and self-evaluation.
You might find yourself experiencing it during that transition period from high school to college, in the midst of competing at a higher level or with people you perceive as better than you or maybe when you've been sidelined for an extended period due to injury. Right now I've got a touch of that last one going on. Feeling like in a way I've lost the factor of my identity that defines. I can't be a runner or even call myself an athlete if I'm not able to do anything right?
Dealing with it
Acknowledge + Reframe
Part of dealing with these negative thoughts is acknowledging their presence, but not allowing them to spiral or to engage them. It's okay to have negative thoughts from time to time, but asking the question "does it help or hinder me?" helps reset and reframe it.
Positive self talk
Negative thoughts and negative talk are a nasty habit that contributes to those feelings of being an imposter. In the same vein as reframing, practicing positive self-talk helps nip destructive thoughts in the bud. Being injured right now I feel a lot of internal pressure to get better to be able to run and be that person I believe myself to be again, a runner. When things pop up like setbacks in my recovery my go-to thought is that questioning- am I good enough to be a runner? Is this the end of my career? I've learned to replace those thoughts with the idea of getting stronger, I may not be running right now, but I'm building a better body in order to run faster #newhipwhothis
Talk it out
This one can be hard for those of us who are more of that type A mentality because sometimes asking for help or talking out these issues can feel like we've hit that failure button but talking with a coach, a mentor or even a friend can really help in processing and eliminating negative thoughts. Just like with acknowledging those impost feeling thoughts, to begin with it's important to be able to know when to ask for help. Talking about your thoughts and experiences will help you feel more equipped to deal with these feelings and chances are you're not alone in feeling them.
Write it down
For those of us who aren't into talking it out, there's always the trusty journal to help reaffirm positive thoughts. It's easy to feel like your not worthy in those big instances, but an easy way to combat that feeling of not having put in the work is to keep a journal or a log to record it! Look back and see what you've done to reach that success when you're feeling doubtful.
We all experience doubt from time to time, some of us experience it in this way, it's normal. The important thing is learning to combat and deal with it effectively.
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